8 Tips for a Perfect Wedding Speech

Mazal tov!

They're getting married: Your friends, cousins, "friends-of," distant relatives, cousins that are once, twice or three times removed, etc. , and you've been one of the lucky ones to deliver a toast, or speech. Sweet! or, is it...?

How do you prepare the 'perfect wedding speech?'

"Good evening everyone! half of you might know me as a complete stranger. The other half wishes I was."

If you haven't done it before, it can be quite daunting. After all, who want to stand up and make a fool of himself (or herself) before hundreds of people? Because a wedding speech can go horribly wrong. And, let's be honest, when we're in the crowd and someone falls flat in the speech, everyone takes turn criticizing him: how could he say those things? that was so inappropriate...so boring...OMG, did you see the face of the bride & groom when she said that? and on and on.

First off, the closer you are to either the bride and groom, the easier it may seem, because you have more 'material:' you know more about them, what they like/not like, embarrassing incidents from the past (of the good kind, not the 'shoplifted at age 15' kind), and so forth.

1. Start off with a bang:

"A wedding, in a way, is a lot like Woodstock: you've got great music, people in weird clothing dancing, a mystic ritual performed, and in the morning the groom wakes up with this super hangover, looks at the ring on his hand and goes, "whoah! dude, what happened last night?"

Speeches, especially at family gatherings, are a tricky thing. If you don't hook 'em in the first two or three minutes, you've lost 'em.

Always start out with your mutual background: talking about the bride and groom, with the audience not knowing who the heck you are, can be an immediate turn-off for some, who will partake in quiet conversation with their table mates.

2. You need a good anecdote that as few guests as possible are familiar with: repeating a story heard a zillion times won't get you any points (or applause); something new will get you more attention - and appreciation.

"The bride and I have been friends since childhood, and shared so many things, most of them taken from the principal's office."

3. Don't be depressing: that means, not starting with something like, "I can't believe last week I was at a funeral, and now..." or, "our late cousin/friend who just passed away a few days ago, would really have enjoyed this wedding..." You could leave such remarks for the end. Why start on a downer?

4. Get the names (or facts) right: nobody likes to be corrected in a wedding speech. And I mean, nobody. You will be reminded of gaffes like these for a long, long time. And if you get a major fact wrong - it can all go downhill from there...

"I can't believe my best friend, my best bud, is getting married...I mean, yeah, that means twice as much beer now for me, but still...

5. Talk to the crowd, not your notes: this is more of a general tip, but people want eye contact, especially someone is in the "power position" of giving a speech.

6. Use quotes. Good ones. Like, "husbands are like wine: they take a long while to mature." Or: "Marriage is like a walk in the park...Jurassic Park." Starting off your speech (or toast( with such quotes can get it off to a good start)

"You know that moment when you announce at a restaurant that 'we're getting married!' and everyone goes nuts. Who's the one person that's unhappy? the waiter, who has to wait till all the oh-my-gawd and I can't believe it are done, before taking the order. It can take a good fifteen minutes! I've actually seen a waiter put his head in the oven, after my aunt asked the bride-to-be, 'so, how did you meet?'

7. Throw in a good word for/about the parents, if you can.

Speakers who are guests of the parents, and do not mention them, risk the chance of being disowned.

"I remember years ago, when Morty Jenna debated if to have kids. I said, before you know it, they'll be married! and, what do you know, twenty years, several detentions, car wreck, sunken RV, college tuition and a year's worth of parking tickets later, he's married. Piece of cake, just like I said."

8. Remember, you're not the only person who knows the bride (or groom): Don't overdo it! practice on the length of your speech. As a rule, a speech can never be to short...but woe if your speech goes too long. You really don't want to get to the point where you see guests shift in their seat uncomfortably, or check their watches.